How Sam and Maude Saved The World
by OnkelJo
Summary: Sam and Maude were the right man and woman in the wrong place. Their trip takes them to a whole new level of geekdom. Also: Beware the pizza. And selfies with celebrities. This story may contain traces of puns and fluff. Sourcefed/Flash Crossover. Slowburn Smaude, mostly friendship.


**To Maude and Sam: This fanfiction is not made to make you cringe. This is actually a nice story you can both get behind, hopefully. If you can endure possibly NSFW puns. I don't know. I'm writing this author's note before getting down a single word of the actual story and I do not intend to revision the note. So, just in case: YE BE WARNED. And watch the rating. (Also, puns will definitely be part of this, this meant just the NSFW part -no actual smut, though)**

 **To all: this will be lowest-shelf, crack fic, "Kangaroos loose in the top paddock" science-fiction, mates, so settle in, get yourself uncomfortable, and let's get this party started! If you expect a realistic story, please read this fanfic, have a good laugh, and continue looking elsewhere, because this is anything but that.**

 **PS: I'm a SourceFed noob, comparatively, so any and all references to internal stuff is purely shot from the hip guesswork and artistic liberty.**

* * *

 _Maude's apartment_

Maude stared into the lens of the camera with a frozen smile and slapped her thighs. "Well, that's a wrap!"

She stood up, slightly startling Sam by the sudden movement, and went to cut off the camera feed. Reading smutty Smaude fanfiction had been slightly hilarious for them, but mostly awkward; for their watchers, it would probably be the other way around.

They had accepted the awkwardness and embraced it as the new step in their friendship. On paper, that shouldn't have worked, but neither of them were made of paper, as both of them were very well aware.

"I don't think I can look you in the eyes for a while, or for the next two centuries, more likely," Sam moaned, only half joking and as red faced as a tomato.

"Aw, don't say that," Maude soothed him, "it would be a shame… for me to completely rip you off at poker."

"Yeah, right, as if me looking you in the eyes would do me any good when we play poker," he chuckled.

Maude did a slight double take at that, but their moment ended as soon as it started, because the doorbell chose that instant to rip both of them out of their respective thoughts.

"Err… shouldn't you get that?" Sam asked, eyes slightly rising but still not meeting Maude's.

"Probably," Maude mumbled. She jerked her head to the other side of the room and almost stumbled to the front door.

When she opened the door, she found a pizza guy. "What are you doing here?" she snapped at the young man.

"Erm… delivering two pizzas?" he asked slowly.

"Well, I didn't order any." Maude made it very clear to him that she wanted him gone, or so she thought.

"I don't know if you ordered them, all I know is that I'm supposed to bring those two pizzas here." His level of uncomfortableness reminded her a bit of her friend still sitting in her studio, which gave her a bit of an idea.

"Fine. It's not like I'd turn away pizza. How much do I owe you?"

"Oh, nothing, the bill has already been paid." The pizza guy already started turning around and going back to his car, probably to his next delivery, when Maude shook off her stupor and shouted after him.

"Who paid the bill?"

"Don't know! Don't care! Have a nice day!" With that, the guy's figure vanished into his car.

Attracted by the noise, Sam came up behind Maude and looked over her shoulder, his curiosity temporarily overshadowing his embarrassment. "Who was that?"

Maude let out a mini shriek, swirled around and socked Sam right in the face. "Oh, my god! I'm so, so sorry, Sammy," she exclaimed with unadulterated horror on her face.

Sam shook his head and held his chin. "No, no, it's alright. I shouldn't have snuck up on you, Maude." He tried to calm her down, but it wasn't as effective as he would have hoped for, partly because she could still clearly hear the pain in his voice, even though it was muffled by his hand.

She gripped him by the shoulders and gave his face a lookover. Sam could tell that she was now in full blown panic maude. "No! It's not okay, Sam. You even have a split lip!"

He gave her a weak smile. "Did you know that your accent gets stronger when you're panicking? That 'No' had the full set of vowels: Naeiou!"

"You're deflecting with humor again, Sam," she stated flatly and pushed him firmly but gently back into the makeshift studio before picking up the pizzas from the doorstep where the delivery guy had left them and following her friend.

"Pizza? Now that's a treatment I'm more than okay with," Sam joked with a lopsided smile. Maude couldn't tell how much of that was voluntary; she had hit him pretty hard.

She got as far as putting the boxes on a table before a thought came to him. "Wait, how did you get pizza so fast? Had you already ordered this?"

Maude shook her head. "Nope. I had no idea. Someone ordered those and paid the bill as well."

Sam's face pulled into a grimace. "Do you think a stalker found out your address?"

She shuddered at the thought. "God, I hope not. That'd be really fucking awful. But, that's not my main concern right now, your face is. Besides, we at least got free pizza out of the deal, right?" she asked with a big, only slightly forced smile. "Now, you go ahead and figure out how to get those pizzas into handy pieces, while I'll bring you an ice pack. That lip looks swollen, too."

Maude had just pulled an ice pack out of the freezer when she heard Sam shouting her name. Her cold load in hand, she rushed back, only to find him sitting where she left him, but with a disturbed look on his face.

"Maude, you should have a look at this," he murmured when he heard her enter, not taking his eyes of the inside of the pizza box. When it came into view, she could see that the lid wasn't plain cardboard as she would have expected. Instead, there was a message written in tidy, evenly spaced letters:

 _Ms Garrett. Mr Bashor. The right man, and right woman, in your case, in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world. A situation requires your attention. I will await your answer._

 _G-Man._

"Well, whoever this is, they knew or guessed that I would be there," Sam muttered.

Maude furrowed her brows. "Maybe it's Steve and or Bree?"

Sam shrugged his shoulders. "I dunno. It seems a bit elaborate for them."

"I assure you, neither of them is responsible for this. I am."

Both Sam and Maude's head whipped around to the source of the strange voice fast enough to almost give them whiplash. In the corner of the room stood a person with an eerie resemblance to the G-Man from the Half Life series, down to the weird speech pattern.

"I apologize for the deception. It felt necessary at the time. I had hoped that the pizza would help."

"Okay, what the _fuck_ is going on right now?" Sam asked, eyes as wide as a doe. "What he said," Maude added, equally as dumbfounded.

The intruder gave them a weak smile and stared right into their souls. "I assume introductions won't be necessary, so I'll cut right to the chase. A situation has arisen, and the people I work for decided to contract outsiders for its solution. We want you two."

"Why?! How?! And who are you really? And why us?" Maude was close to panicking, so Sam grabbed her hand and squeezed it. That seemed to at least take the edge off it for Maude, but they both were still hard pressed not to run away screaming, as any sane person would have done if a video game character suddenly stood in your apartment, and offered you a job, no less.

"My name is of no importance to you. You know me simply as the G-Man already. It'll do. Doctor Freeman's story seems to have garnered quite the interest in this universe; we prefer to operate unseen, but it does help tremendously with most basic questions our recruits from this universe have. As to why we chose you two… that's classified, I'm afraid."

"I don't know how to feel about this, Maude," Sam whispered.

The G-Man pulled out a small, black box that started humming rather loudly as soon as he flicked it open and then fixed Sam with a stare that made him swallow hard, although the smile never left the mysterious man's lips. "I can tell you from experience with many other recruits, most choose an uncertain future over certain death."

Maude let out a nervous laugh. "Why didn't you say so sooner? When do we start?"

* * *

 _Maude's apartment, Earth-?_

Sam swiped the last remnants of bile off his mouth as he walked back into the living room. "Ugh. If I had known interdimensional travel would be so bad, I don't know if I wouldn't have chosen death."

"Double negative, Sam," Maude chided softly from the couch, nursing a hangover cure.

They both had 'popped up' in Maude's apartment in another parallel universe, with the worst hangover both had ever experienced.

"What are we even supposed to do here?" Sam asked as he plopped down on the couch. "We don't even have internet here. Or service, for that matter."

Maude shrugged her shoulders. "He said we'll see soon enough." She put her drink on the table and ran her hand through her hair.

"Well, if this is a different universe, what should we do? Do we still have jobs? What is different? What is the same? Do we have doppelgangers here? And if so, what if we replaced our doppelgangers? Where would they be? Are they in our places back at home? Did they _evaporate_? This is _crazy!_ I-"

Maude laid her hands on his arms when she heard him start hyperventilating and stared into his eyes. "Sam, _do not_ panic, okay? I can't do this alone. I need my friend, do you hear me?"

She held him for the few moments it took him to relax his breathing again. "Uh-huh; I can do that," he assured her a bit shakily and took a deep breath to collect his thoughts. "Still, we need to find answers. While threatening us was a dick move and I really don't like that guy, whether or not he's the actual G-Man from the games, I don't think we have another way to get back to our world than doing whatever he wants."

Maude leaned back against the cushions and sighed. "Oh man, we are in a different universe, _on another Earth_. We traveled _friggin' universes_. This is _so_ fucked up, Sam."

"And only slightly cool," Sam added drily; he seemed to have recovered from his little episode better than she expected. Then a small smile crept up on his face. "Hey, why don't we go and get some coffee? We can do whatever we need to with a little bit of caffeine as well, eh?"

Another sigh. "That would be great." Maude slowly stood up and dusted some nonexistent dirt off her dress. "Come on, there's this great place only a block away, better than Starbucks for half the price."

Sam gave her a real smile and motioned for the door. "Lead the way."

* * *

Maude had thought that the café was only a block away; she didn't account for the fact that her apartment, however similar to her original home it was in terms of indoor decoration, was in a totally different place in this world. They spent the better part of an hour looking for a coffee shop until they finally found one, although not the one they were looking for.

"CC Jitters, huh? Didn't know they allowed using that brand. If this place is for real, I think I might have a new favorite hangout. And it's got free Wi-Fi!" Sam exclaimed excitedly. "Maybe we can finally find out where we are. I didn't recognize any of the streets on our way here."

They stepped in the line to wait their turn. Both whipped out their smartphones and started searching the net for information when Maude suddenly elbowed Sam, softly for a change. "Hey, Sam, isn't that Grant Gustin?"

Sam craned his neck to look beyond the queue, and spotted the young man Maude had pointed out to him. "I think you're right."

"Come on, say hi to him," she nudged him.

Sam shrugged. "I dunno." Maude rolled her eyes. "Sam. We're in a different universe. I don't think you will, but If you do somehow manage to fuck it up, you go home, he won't ever meet you again, and our world's Flash won't have any idea this happened. It's a win-win situation! At least take a picture with him."

"Fine," Sam drawled with a sigh. "Wanna come with?"

"You kidding? Heck yeah!" she scoffed.

They both made their way to the man in the booth nursing his coffee. Sam cleared his throat before starting to speak. "Hi... I'm sorry for barging in on your coffee break, but I just wanted to say, I'm a big fan."

The man looked at them with an unsure frown. "Sorry, I think you must have mistaken me for someone else."

Sam gave Maude a quick look of disappointment and shrugged. "Ah, well. It would've been too meta to get a pic with the Flash here, anyway."

"Wait a minute, what did you just say?" the man asked, his face a shade or two paler than just a moment ago.

"I wanted a selfie with the Flash?" Sam was unsure what the supposed actor wanted.

" _The_ Flash? The metahuman?"

Now it was both Maude and Sam's turn to furrow their brows. "Well, duh," Maude replied. "Not so much just metahuman, more straight-up superhero, I'd say - no matter if it's Barry Allen's Flash or Wally West's," Sam added.

"I'm sorry." Faux-Gustin said and shook his head.

"For what?" Maude asked.

He pushed his cup away from him and stood up, giving them both a sad smile. "For this."

With this, the two friends saw a red blur, felt a sudden rush and found themselves in a very familiar room with two very familiar scientists after a few seconds of unexpected travel.

"Barry, what did we say about bringing strangers into our _secret base_?" Cisco asked, a touch of exasperation in his voice.

Their kidnapper shook his head. "This is different. They knew my secret identity, and found me in Jitters."

"Maude… just for clarification… am I dreaming right now?" Sam asked.

"Unless we managed to link up dreams, which would be friggin' cool - or not, depending on the kind of dreams you're having - I'd say we're in the actual hideout of the actual Flash, Sam. So, no, I don't think you're dreaming."

"I don't think I'm feeling too hot, Maude…" With that, Sam sagged down to the floor, unconscious.

"Don't mind that. He's really a huge fan of you. He just didn't think you were real, so the shock was a bit too much?" Maude tried to explain, an uncertain smile on her lips.

"I think you have some 'splaining to do," Cisco muttered.

TO BE CONTINUED...


End file.
